I've found many articles about the affects of autism and other special needs care-giving on parents, and it's enlightening to know that while I may feel totally broken on my best day, I'm not alone. In this blog/essay, the author describes how we wake each day with a certain number of spoons: Spoon Theory!
www.shieldhealthcare.com/community/grow/2017/02/08/spoon-the...
I'm so angry with folks who push 800# crisis lines on those who struggle with mental illness-I get it that they can't handle our mental illness-they don't comprehend it. But when they say things like "permanent fix for a temp problem" or similar when someone commits suicide, that's BS. Mental illness is a LIFELONG thing to be managed, with ups and downs that can be severe.
While external things can be the "straw that breaks the camel's back" the mental illness is NOT a temporary problem, and it ticks me off that people only attribute suicide to external factors... this is terribly SHALLOW.
And let's talk about quality of life. The person who spends 30 years in a bottle due to mental illness does NOT have quality of life- they're not managing their illness AND they are killing themselves SLOWLY. And everyone is ok with this... because- slow, passive suicide is better than sudden, violent suicide. All this while society shuns us, among other things...
#Depression #Anxiety #MentalIllness #Suicide #socialnorms
I'm reading a book by a mom who lost her 23yo son to suicide several years ago, which is an important read. I get it that survivors of someone who committed suicide are struggling, but the struggles of mental illness and everything else in life are clearly two separate things that most of society doesn't want to deal with. I get it that a crisis line may help someone get thru a day, a moment, but our reality is something that is not cured or solved-it just isn't temporary. Sure, there are situations that are devastating to everyone, and these may contribute to what brings a suicide event to fruition, but at the end of the day, the external contributions and the manner of death (gun, poison, whatever) are not the primary issue, despite everyone around us focusing on those things.
I'm processing my thoughts ongoing right now. Last time I did this was when I posted that I actually relate to the 2019 Joker portrayal by Joaquin Phoenix, how, over and above his schizophrenia and other mental illness, he ends up over the top while trying to deal with cruelty, frustration, discrimination, and everything that society dishes out to him. TheMighty removed my thoughts on this at the time stating that my thoughts were too triggering for someone.
Some time in 2017, I think...
I can't even recall how or when I found The Mighty, but the emails with articles and essays open my eyes and serve me better than the counselor. I started bullet journalling about a month ago and feel more "present" now that I have in years-as in, I don't forget to take my meds in the morning.... but I still try to figure out other issues and the future and wonder if there is a future that can include a career... will my mind operate correctly so I can do a job? Will I be able to handle it if something happens and not fall apart in the work place? Why am I still content to stay home rather than attend social events with my wonderful group? Why do I feel so invisible in my wonderful group or anywhere? Everyone welcomed me to a city meeting last week after not attending or participating for years, but I sat there wondering quietly if they’re all hoping I don’t say anything or try to get involved. Can I get involved in something small, and succeed or will I lose my shit again the first time something happens? How many times must my kids and pets suffer because I can't function? While I feel calm and ok at home, I have discovered that the anxiety bear reveals its teeth sometimes when I'm away from home-like, what if it hails again and my car is totaled again? It's easier to just stay home, especially when the weather looks iffy. How would I deal with this if I'm in a situation where I can't go or stay home? Staying home is so much more calm and comfortable... I look back in proverbial “retrospect” at times in workplaces, home, and in other situations and I can see depression, anxiety, and whatever else in action due to my actions/reactions/over-reactions… while my home life was not conducive to mental “health,” per se, I recall thinking prior to those years that I was doing well-that I was resilient compared to others in my family who had succumbed to depression, and even suicide. I’d thought I was going to be ok. And “OK” was good. I was grateful for “OK.” I’d be grateful for OK again if I knew confidently that I would be OK going forward. We all have to go on living. But how do we go on if we don’t know that we will be ok, that we will not lose our shit when something in our world falls apart? Again. And Again. I recall something about life being the journey and not about the destination, and that is true. But during the journey, being able to not lose your shit would be helpful.
My thoughts about: A Case for Trigger Warnings
trigger warnings are always about something violent or graphic or "adult content"... when I lost my shit, dropped my basket, which was a slow process over several years but then that final eruption put me over the top and I couldn't even watch "Bad Moms" when it came out that year. My kids loved it, but for me it represented the fuck-up that I felt I was, and had no desire to have my failures thrown up in my face... now, years later, I'm able to watch it and appreciate how that story portrays the fact that as moms, we fight and stress and try to plan ahead and many times it still feels like the world is working against us- or at least our immediate corner of the planet... for some folks, "when it rains it pours," but for me, it feels like a constant storm that never ends... ever watch the "Shameless" series? That's my life, minus the drugs and over waste of the parents... I watched thru several seasons over the last few years, and, cannot watch any more... no matter what's happening to you and around you, the world keeps on moving. What ever the reason for these triggers over what others perceive as "calm" or Rated PG programs, as I come to terms with CPTSD and ongoing shit, actual death by any manner bothers me less than the longterm, chronic crap we see portrayed, much of which portrays real life... while I by no means am interested in taking life, I actually feel understanding for Joaquin Phoenix's portrayal of Joker in the recent movie; the portrayal of how he already struggles, suffers trauma and some other mental health issues, and life comes barreling in to destroy what little bit of sanity he has left. Ever watch "August Osage County" or "Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood?" Both of those portray disfunctional families that the present day adult children are trying to process and recover from; I am both the childhood survivor and the perpetrator of trauma on my own family... who'd u'thunk it? What's worse, our system pretends to treat alcoholics with alcohol-only focused programs but alcoholism is a SYMPTOM OF SOMETHING GREATER, larger than ourselves... it is a SIGN that the brain is in a constant state of dysregulation, with the Lizard brain often overpowering our Wizard brain- we stay in a constant state of Fight/Flight/Fawn... alcohol-only focus doesn't fix what is happenig in our brains after trauma... often times, talk-therapy fails as well.
I believe, I hope, that this will change the medical community.
I remember being in lab school and learning how to draw blood from donors and patients-the only training we received on different skin tones was on our classmates, since we practiced on each other. I don't recall learning how skin conditions and even typical skin quirks like a pimple, wart, mole, or anything, would appear on different skin colors, and those early years were challenging- OJT kind of thing.
We've long known that people of different heritages, with lineages of various regions may be more prone to, or more resistant to some things, or have significant side affects based on Race-specific differences in sensitivity, such as the primaquine sensitivity discovered in some service members in the 20s- this caused a type of anemia, and to the point of what I'd mentioned about drawing blood on patients, reactions to primaquine can include skin rashes, so this affects patient care from before the person even walks in the door-if the medical person doesn't understand what he/she is looking at on the skin, important medical information can be missed. And since most medical research has historically been done on white males of European descent, and we now know that these studies don't always tell the true picture of what is happening for anyone who is not a white male of European heritage. That academic medical communities are still so far behind in merely using pictures of non-whites in medical texts and other teaching tools is a painful example of systemic racism that, however unintended, causes some groups to not receive the total medical care we all deserve.
I care for two adult sons with IDD, one with intractable epilepsy, both on long term care medicaid waivers. And my niece and nephew, who I've had since Jan 2021 for the 2nd time, and now, provided the court understands, permanently. In addition, my adult sister who is lower functioning cognitively (their mother) moved in last June. She wasn't functioning and is vulnerable. While this was hard on everyone, mostly my niece, it was the right move. Plus, she is the bio-mother of my 22yo, who was taken away from her at 4yo due to failure to thrive. It's intense some days, and I'm improving on my own self care (Barbie, crafts and hiking...).
So, we have a complex and high-maintenance household. Where-ever we go people compliment me, which I don't feel is warranted; understand the magnatude of my responsibility, but realize that this household, however complex, is worthy of any and everything I can do to keep it stable. Their lives matter. We matter as a family, even though some days it feels easier to climb a mountain than manage my household. To your point, a dear friend gave a pair of shoes so I could get started walking and hiking again; my first feeling at her offer was to decline, but I realized that not only did I need proper shoes to get started, but that this gesture had meaning to her, as a caregiver to her own mother. Plus, she's retired, and receives food from a local pantry most weeks, and they give her much more than she can possibly eat herself, and so she gives us some of that. It's one less trip and planned appt that I don't have to deal with weekly, to get the basics. In addition, since everyone in my household receives SSI and Medicaid (medial) there is a limit to how much money we can have in any account for emergencies, so even though I believe that together, we have the ability to save for emergencies, we're not allowed to have that much in an account. That said, I stock shelf-stable items and rotate them as needed, and my friend's "donations" help me with that-keeping our shelves stocked and restocked frequently enough to rotate items so they don't expire. I'm still trying to figure out how to make a plan for this household, the managing piece, but knowing I don't have to worry about the basics because my friend is looking out for us is huge.
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back page of current VFW Auxiliary magazine
"I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."-Gandhi
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