Finding TheMighty.com

Some time in 2017, I think...

I can't even recall how or when I found The Mighty, but the emails with articles and essays open my eyes and serve me better than the counselor. I started bullet journalling about a month ago and feel more "present" now that I have in years-as in, I don't forget to take my meds in the morning.... but I still try to figure out other issues and the future and wonder if there is a future that can include a career... will my mind operate correctly so I can do a job? Will I be able to handle it if something happens and not fall apart in the work place? Why am I still content to stay home rather than attend social events with my wonderful group? Why do I feel so invisible in my wonderful group or anywhere? Everyone welcomed me to a city meeting last week after not attending or participating for years, but I sat there wondering quietly if they’re all hoping I don’t say anything or try to get involved. Can I get involved in something small, and succeed or will I lose my shit again the first time something happens? How many times must my kids and pets suffer because I can't function? While I feel calm and ok at home, I have discovered that the anxiety bear reveals its teeth sometimes when I'm away from home-like, what if it hails again and my car is totaled again? It's easier to just stay home, especially when the weather looks iffy. How would I deal with this if I'm in a situation where I can't go or stay home? Staying home is so much more calm and comfortable... I look back in proverbial “retrospect” at times in workplaces, home, and in other situations and I can see depression, anxiety, and whatever else in action due to my actions/reactions/over-reactions… while my home life was not conducive to mental “health,” per se, I recall thinking prior to those years that I was doing well-that I was resilient compared to others in my family who had succumbed to depression, and even suicide. I’d thought I was going to be ok. And “OK” was good. I was grateful for “OK.” I’d be grateful for OK again if I knew confidently that I would be OK going forward. We all have to go on living. But how do we go on if we don’t know that we will be ok, that we will not lose our shit when something in our world falls apart? Again. And Again. I recall something about life being the journey and not about the destination, and that is true. But during the journey, being able to not lose your shit would be helpful.

 My thoughts about: A Case for Trigger Warnings

trigger warnings are always about something violent or graphic or "adult content"...  when I lost my shit, dropped my basket, which was a slow process over several years but then that final eruption put me over the top and I couldn't even watch "Bad Moms" when it came out that year.  My kids loved it, but for me it represented the fuck-up that I felt I was, and had no desire to have my failures thrown up in my face... now, years later, I'm able to watch it and  appreciate how that story portrays the fact that as moms, we  fight and stress and try to plan ahead and many times it still feels like the world is working against us- or at least our immediate corner of the planet... for some folks, "when it rains it pours," but for me, it feels like a constant storm that never ends... ever watch the "Shameless" series? That's my life, minus the drugs and over waste of  the parents...  I watched thru several seasons over the last few years, and, cannot watch any more... no matter what's happening to you and around you, the world keeps on moving.   What ever the reason for these triggers over what others perceive as "calm" or Rated PG programs, as I come to terms with CPTSD and ongoing shit, actual death by any manner bothers me less than the longterm, chronic crap we see portrayed, much of which portrays real life...  while I by no means am interested in taking life, I actually feel understanding for Joaquin Phoenix's portrayal of Joker in the recent movie; the portrayal of how he already struggles, suffers trauma and some other mental health issues, and life comes barreling in to destroy what little bit of sanity he has left.  Ever watch "August Osage County" or "Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood?" Both of those portray disfunctional families that the present day adult children are trying to process and recover from; I am both the childhood survivor and the perpetrator of trauma on my own family... who'd u'thunk it?  What's worse, our system pretends to treat alcoholics with alcohol-only focused programs but alcoholism is a SYMPTOM OF SOMETHING GREATER, larger than ourselves... it is a SIGN that the brain is in a constant state of dysregulation, with the Lizard brain often overpowering our Wizard brain- we stay in a constant state of Fight/Flight/Fawn... alcohol-only focus doesn't fix what is happenig in our brains after trauma...  often times, talk-therapy fails as well. 

I believe, I hope, that this will change the medical community. 

I remember being in lab school and learning how to draw blood from donors and patients-the only training we received on different skin tones was on our classmates, since we practiced on each other. I don't recall learning how skin conditions and even typical skin quirks like a pimple, wart, mole, or anything, would appear on different skin colors, and those early years were challenging- OJT kind of thing.

We've long known that people of different heritages, with lineages of various regions may be more prone to, or more resistant to some things, or have significant side affects based on Race-specific differences in sensitivity, such as the primaquine sensitivity discovered in some service members in the 20s- this caused a type of anemia, and to the point of what I'd mentioned about drawing blood on patients, reactions to primaquine can include skin rashes, so this affects patient care from before the person even walks in the door-if the medical person doesn't understand what he/she is looking at on the skin, important medical information can be missed. And since most medical research has historically been done on white males of European descent, and we now know that these studies don't always tell the true picture of what is happening for anyone who is not a white male of European heritage. That academic medical communities are still so far behind in merely using pictures of non-whites in medical texts and other teaching tools is a painful example of systemic racism that, however unintended, causes some groups to not receive the total medical care we all deserve.

The creator of the viral Black fetus image will have his illustrations published in a book

other sources:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3382019/

https://www.jwatch.org/na54198/2021/10/12/racial-disparities-clinical-medicine

learning to receive

I care for two adult sons with IDD, one with  intractable epilepsy, both on long term care medicaid waivers. And my niece and nephew, who I've had since Jan 2021 for the 2nd time, and now, provided the court understands, permanently. In addition, my adult sister who is lower functioning cognitively (their mother) moved in last June. She wasn't functioning and is vulnerable. While this was hard on everyone, mostly my niece, it was the right move. Plus, she is the bio-mother of my 22yo, who was taken away from her at 4yo due to failure to thrive. It's intense some days, and I'm improving on my own self care (Barbie, crafts and hiking...). 

 So, we have a complex and high-maintenance household. Where-ever we go people compliment me, which I don't feel is warranted; understand the magnatude of my responsibility, but realize that this household, however complex, is worthy of any and everything I can do to keep it stable. Their lives matter. We matter as a family, even though some days it feels easier to climb a mountain than manage my household.  To your point, a dear friend gave a pair of shoes so I could get started walking and hiking again; my first feeling at her offer was to decline, but I realized that not only did I need proper shoes to get started, but that this gesture had meaning to her, as a caregiver to her own mother.  Plus, she's retired, and receives food from a local pantry most weeks, and they give her much more than she can possibly eat herself, and so she gives us some of that. It's one less trip and planned appt that I don't have to deal with weekly, to get the basics. In addition, since everyone in my household receives SSI and Medicaid (medial) there is a limit to how much money we can have in any account for emergencies, so even though I believe that together, we have the ability to save for emergencies, we're not allowed to have that much in an account. That said, I stock shelf-stable items and rotate them as needed, and my friend's "donations" help me with that-keeping our shelves stocked and restocked frequently enough to rotate items so they don't expire. I'm still trying to figure out how to make a plan for this household, the managing piece, but knowing I don't have to worry about the basics because my friend is looking out for us is huge. 

Open Letter to the VFW Auxiliary and Auxiliary posts

My father died last March, and I'd gone to the VFW with him many times over the years. As his daughter, and as a Humanist Celebrant (of Jewish descent), I performed his celebration of life at the VFW. I partnered with a Catholic priest who did the religious portion to honor my dad's wishes.

In May, I was asked to place the Navy wreath in honor of my father and all Navy vets during the city Memorial Day ceremony, which was also facilitated by this local VFW.  I sat through Christian prayers at this event as well.  This city-sponsored event had a religious bias, but I do want to support veterans and my father's memory, so I started asking about being able to join the Auxiliary, which was one of my father’s wishes. I don't qualify for the VFW because I never deployed, and it was clear that I wouldn't qualify for Auxiliary membership because I don't believe in a god.

This is very hurtful to be discriminated against due to my beliefs, but, I was also told that the Auxiliary national convention was reviewing this membership requirement over the summer. I waited patiently, hoping the Auxiliary would remove this discriminatory membership requirement. The voting membership at the national Auxiliary conference did not do so. I really want to give back to the veteran community. As a veteran myself and the daughter of a veteran, I'm excluded purely due to my beliefs about religion.

back page of current VFW Auxiliary magazine

"I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."-Gandhi

There's a meme out there that states

"Rather than putting 'Christ" back in "Christmas," I'd settle for putting "Christ" back in "Christians.'"

I'm seeing a lot of different sentiments about this matter, but at the end of the day, it was what my father wanted of me. He knew that I'm involved in volunteer work and social issues and wanted me to put that to use in veteran circles-specifically in the VFW. I never deployed, however, and don't qualify for the VFW. I qualify for the Auxiliary but they won't accept me since I'm a Humanist.  I just want to honor my father's wishes. Why is that such a terrible thing?

Some Mothers Get Babies With Something More-special needs moms

my response to this beautiful ode to special needs parents at http://www.loriborgman.com/Archives/2002/05-May/Some%20Mothers%20Get%20Babies%20With%20Something%20More.html?&utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social-media&utm_campaign=addtoany

I don't any longer have that " strength of a draft horse while holding onto the delicacy of a daffodil..." I've become wilted and fragile over years of fatigue (mental, physical, and emotional) dealing with severe depression. Were it just my special needs kids (two of them) that I had to deal with-piece of cake, really. Even during my husband's many deployments... But life throws so much more at you, never-ending. things you have zero power to influence. You can advocate for and protect your kids, but you cannot save the world around you. You cannot even influence whether the pharmacy gets your order right or drops the ball on your refill, whether others around your child act reliably when your child has a seizure and sustains secondary injuries. You cannot influence whether or not the school handles your case wisely when another child bullies your child. You cannot influence whether ER doctors have even basic understanding of your child's condition(s). You cannot influence whether or not a teacher reliably understands your child and interprets your child's behaviors accurately.

Worse than all this... you have no power to influence, over and above your own children, whether or not your sister makes good choices that protect and care for her own children-your nieces/nephews or makes them homeless and endangered-you have no power over whether society takes action on an abused or neglected child or animal around you. You have no power to influence whether or not others around you care for or cause the suffering of people and animals that you care about. You have no power over whether or not your own personal ethics agree with the ethics of your employer, the GOP, or your neighbor. You have no power over whether or not people give animals away for free on Craigslist and allow those pets to end up as bait for fighting rings. You have no power to influence whether or not a company cares humanely for animals that are kept/bred for human consumption. You have no power to influence whether or not someone starves horses, dogs, or babies to the point of extreme suffering.

In the end, you have only the ability to care for, protect, and advocate for your children in the best way you know how. And sometimes we make mistakes. We get angry.. We get tired. We are emotionally exhausted by more than just our childs' needs.

Never-the-less, we keep on trucking. We react like clockwork, predictably, when our child has a seizure, or stops breathing. We deal with the shock of traumas later, out sight of the kids. Sometimes we end up needing help to keep on trucking (help of other moms who understand, dads, doctors, pharmaceuticals, and others in society)-but what is our choice-to lay down and die? We do not have that luxury. We have children who need us for a very long time to come (or a not so long time) and we are not likely to outlive them. So we have to do our best to get thru each day and hope that we can set them up to be cared for or self-sufficient in the future after we are gone... we have to keep our eye on the ball, so to speak, which is enjoying the day to day, as well as just getting thru the day to day of life, when knowing that the future for our special needs kids can be uncertain...

And it is a struggle to maintain some level of optimism some days... do we count on the GOP to care for our special needs kids after we die? Our neighbors? Our alcoholic brother or uninterested sister? Will a capable sibling care for the special needs sibling as adults once we are deceased? The struggles to make our special needs kids as capable as possible to care for themselves on some level in the future takes place today.

Try being the mom with all this on her personal "plate" whose autistic child acts out in public-and everyone around judges you-and every action you take in this situation is judged. every time you see the school's phone number in your caller ID, your heart races, wondering if it's an emergency.  Never mind the future, I'm trying to get thru the moment.... while not losing sight of my child's future.... and some days it feels like a losing battle... though in reality, it isn't-you're just extremely tired, mentally, physically, emotionally...

None of this means you don't love your children every moment; you love them with every breath you or they take.

revising summer chore duties, creating a teen summer schedule, and teen project planning

Trying to get my kids off their duffs for the summer is proving challenging... even getting household stuff done when there is no daily routine is a pain... so, the plan is to revise the house chores plan, create a general daily schedule for the summer (kind of like an Army training schedule), and choosing projects for the summer from a list. Here are the chore lists first:

 

 

 The following is a list of project ideas for the summer-the boys must choose at least 5, and they must include exercise and at least 1-2 ongoing projects or projects that need planning and research. This list is not exhaustive-it's just a list of items I found online from other kids to give my boys inspiration to come up with a summer plan-to do things besides sitting on their duffs playing video games~
 

o   MANDATORY: Personal Fitness plan for at least 3 days per week

o   write a novel or short story

o   Write in a journal. Write down words that you like, poems, song lyrics, what happened during an event, anything you want!  Write in it everyday.

o   Create blog and write in it 3 times per week

o   Read a book series.

o   Take online classes

o   Go to the water park

o   Watch meteor shower (August 12, 10:30pm)

o   Try something I've never done before

o   Learn sign language

o   Do yoga each morning

o   Break a world record

o   Create an experiment

o   Write a song

o   Create a life playlist or bucket list

o   Build and fly a kite

o   Be vegetarian for a week

o   Plan a menu

o   Record everything I eat in a journal

o   Solve a rubix cube

o   Practice algebra problems (help dad with math!)

o   Run a mile in 10 minutes (train each week)

o   Go running early in the morning

o   Go an entire day without technology (or maybe even a week, or summer)

o   Do something that scary

o   Make a scavenger hunt

o   Make a time capsule

o   Invent something new

o   Complete 1,000-piece puzzle

o   Cook a full meal

o   Read 5 books

o   Interview someone you don’t know and learn their life story. Write it up and give it to them.

o   Make pizza from scratch

o   Learn as many words or phrases you can in a foreign language

o   Research 5 colleges

o   Collect your family’s history

o   Stand up for something you believe in

o   Create, direct, and produce a mini film

o   Write a letter and send it, snail-mail style

o   Eat 5 things you haven’t eaten before

o   Plan out a road trip (every aspect: location, route, finances, logistics, etc)

o   Bake a cake from scratch

o   Watch a black-and-white classic movie

o   Play classic board games (like Monopoly or Chinese Checkers) on a rainy day

o   Make a giant chocolate chip cookie

o   Create a new recipe that can be passed down for generations

o   Find an astronomy pattern in the sky (like the zodiac signs in the stars via telescope)

o   Draw a chalk masterpiece on your sidewalk or driveway or in a playground

o   Send a message in a bottle

o   Put your deepest worry into a balloon and let it go

o   Dedicate a day to someone important in your life

o   Create a YouTube channel

o   Drawing masterpiece

o   Explore real life heroes

o   Learn about yourself thru your zodiac sign

o   Learn to read hieroglyphics

 
 

I am also having my boys create a daily routine schedule-with flexibility to allow for impromptu things, but they need to have some sort of routine for the summer-here's an example of what they're creating for themselves:

idea for the oldest:

7:00am -eat and take medicines, feed the dog & give fresh water

8:00am to 9:00am - Wake up, shower, etc
9:00am to 10:00am - Go for a walk
10:00am to 11:00am - check email, Facebook, chat with friends
11:00am to 11:30am - do required daily reading (a real book, digital or hard copy-but a real book)
11:30am to 12:00pm - Scrape up something for lunch
12:00pm to 2:00pm - work on personal project #1
2:00pm to 3:00pm - check email, Facebook, chat with friends
3:00pm to 5:30pm - hang out with friends
5:30pm to 6:30pm - feed dog, Dinner

6:30pm to 7:00pm - personal fitness plan
7:00pm to 11:00pm - take evening meds, Watch TV,  hang out with friends, Browse the internet, work on my story, personal project #2.
11:00pm to 12:00am - Hang out in my room
12:00am to 8:00am - Attempt to Sleep.

10pm weekday Curfew

12pm bed time over the summer