I revised this letter from the original letter sent to the airport service company and public affairs office of that airport, because I recognize that every organization is made up of people, and that we, being the humans that we are, sometimes make small, but far-reaching mistakes, that do not necessarily reflect the nature of the organization. I do, however, want to recognize the angels who help us in seemingly small, but "huge" ways:
XXX Airport Services
cc: Airport Public Affairs
To whom it may concern:
I flew from Denver, Colorado to Marquette, Michigan and back on Tuesday, November 23, 2010, to bring my recovering father from a skilled nursing facility to stay with me at my home. This letter is not meant to describe how I felt the airline ruined my trip, causing distress and making significant mistakes; rather, this letter is to express sincere gratitude and respect to the young lady who truly cares about people, exceeding at what many others, would ever do to assist another. This is, after all, the season for such thing.
The day I purchased the tickets, I immediately requested for wheelchairs to be available at every connecting flight gate for my father. I also verified twice earlier on the day of our trip that the request was ordered and that wheelchairs would be at each arrival gate. Each airline representative assured me that my request was in the system and that a wheelchair would be at the gates to help us.
The airline employee at Marquette issued only my boarding pass for the flight from Marquette to Detroit, and would not issue my boarding passes for connecting flights, even though he gave my father his boarding passes for all his flights, contributing to my distress. He did, however, assure me that a wheelchair would be ready in Detroit.
Needless to say, we arrived in Detroit late, with only fifteen minutes to spare, and there was no wheelchair at the gate to help us. Knowing we could not move quickly and that I lacked a boarding pass for the connecting flight to Minneapolis, I was in tears, and could barely breathe. I was prepared to stay overnight in Marquette due to weather; we have family there; I was not prepared to keep my medically recovering father overnight in Detroit for who knows how long, due to airline employees dropping the ball. I was having a physical anxiety attack.
The airline staff at our Detroit arrival gate did not chatter; they immediately requested a wheelchair and communicated to the connecting flight’s gate staff. Within a few minutes, airport services employee Angela C. arrived with a wheelchair, loaded my father and we began running to the gate, where our flight to Minneapolis was due to leave within minutes. She stated that she had not seen our wheelchair request in the system. Knowing we had little time and that I lacked a boarding pass, Angela was honest; we would likely miss the flight. She did not believe that we would make it across the airport in time. Never-the-less, Angela C. ran at full speed, pushing herself and my father on a wheelchair. When we reached an elevator, having missed an airport shuttle, and noting that I was struggling with the run, she put my overnight carry-on on the lower rack of the wheelchair, and off we ran, with her pushing close to 175 pounds on the wheelchair.
As we ran up to the gate, I identified myself, and the airline representative had both our boarding passes ready and ushered us onto the plane. The door to the plane closed just after we boarded. Thanks to Ms. C., with the assistance, of course, of diligent airline gate representatives, we made it across the enormous airport in impossible time, and I had the boarding pass I needed to get on the plane with my father for the next leg of our trip.
This was not the end of airline mishaps or my anxiety, but Ms. C. impacted our night in a tremendous way, running her hardest, physically pushing an old man, and mentally pushing me, an exhausted, frustrated, and miserable traveler, to a gate she never believed we would reach on time. She pushed herself because, even if we had not made it on time, she would have done her best to help us; that is huge, unforgettable and uncommon. The airline representatives acted silently, but Ms. C., despite being realistic, helped us reach what seemed an impossible goal, and was enthusiastic for the entire run.
I wish to recognize airport employee, Angela C., and others like her. Most of us do not write letters expressing our gratitude, though, I am certain that true caring like hers does not go unappreciated. She is truly an angel, an amazing person, and I wish her the absolute best. Her kindness is uncommon and heart-filled and genuinely caring. Angela C. is a name I will not soon forget; a heart who truly pays-it-forward for the benefit of others. This is the season for gratitude, for sincerely considering others, especially others who serve us; her contribution may seem but a pin-drop in the long course of a life, but serves us in such enormous ways. Perhaps if we write more gratitude letters, we will experience more to be grateful for. At the very least, we can learn to focus on the good rather than the bad or negative.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
MilSpouse Friday Fill-in (brought to you from navy_smurfette) via ATroopsGirl
See ATroopsGirl Here.
1.what’s the nicest thing a MILSPOUSE has ever done for you?
A former MilSpouse babysitter kept my young son twice for two weeks while my husband was in Korea so I could attend OCS and another time while I attended another military school in other states.
2.How often do you drive faster than the speed limit?
I agree with ATroopsGirl: Aren't speed limits are really just suggestions?
3.Did you have a nickname in school? If so, what was it?
Must I? I didn't have any say in choosing them (yes, that's plural). One was beaners (good luck figuring that out, I'll never tell) and Jabber Jaws (remember the cartoon shark of the late 70's?)
4.If your life was a book, what would the title be and how would it end?
Coyote Medicine (learn about coyote and you'll understand). Well, in many native stories, the coyote gets the short end of the stick, but, my story will be high energy, with coyote crossing the finish line alongside the roadrunner!
5.Look back (in your planner if you have one) to September 14th… what did you do that day?
I took a dear friend (my 'adopted mom') to a healer for Reiki and Shamanic Soul Retrieval, and then out to lunch. Had an FRG meeting that evening too...
Questions from last week:
1.What’s the nicest thing a stranger has ever done for you?
When I was 18yo, stationed in Germany I went to a concert in Frankfurt with friends. We'd taken the train, 6 of us on two different group tickets based on when we had to return for duty. I was on the ticket going back the same night because we had to be on duty early in the morning. We'd bought our concert tickets separately, and were separate in the concert hall, so we were going to meet at the train station. I could not find the right track, and missed the train. In 1987, there were no German banks (that I knew of) that accepted American ATM cards, I had no extra cash (spent it in the concert), and no credit cards. I sat outside the train station crying, scared to death.
Some homeless people asked what was wrong and I explained, in broken, blubbering German, my dilemma. These wonderful people gathered together all their coins so that I could use a German pay phone to call my unit and get help. Talk about paying it forward!!
2.If you are having a hard time going to sleep, what do you do to help yourself?
I use sublingual melatonin and my IPOD full of meditations!
3.Name something that makes you wish you were a kid again.
Sandra Bullock said in the movie Hope Floats that "Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome." I never look back.
4.What is something you never believed until you experienced it?
Ditto with ATroopsGirl: "I never understood that unimaginable love that you can have for your child. I had wondered how it was possible to love someone immediately, at the first moment of meeting. There is nothing more amazing.
5.What can’t you say “no” to?
--too many things to list... when my niece wants something... chocolate.... a good wine... a good microbrew... rescuing animals....
just to name a few
1.what’s the nicest thing a MILSPOUSE has ever done for you?
A former MilSpouse babysitter kept my young son twice for two weeks while my husband was in Korea so I could attend OCS and another time while I attended another military school in other states.
2.How often do you drive faster than the speed limit?
I agree with ATroopsGirl: Aren't speed limits are really just suggestions?
3.Did you have a nickname in school? If so, what was it?
Must I? I didn't have any say in choosing them (yes, that's plural). One was beaners (good luck figuring that out, I'll never tell) and Jabber Jaws (remember the cartoon shark of the late 70's?)
4.If your life was a book, what would the title be and how would it end?
Coyote Medicine (learn about coyote and you'll understand). Well, in many native stories, the coyote gets the short end of the stick, but, my story will be high energy, with coyote crossing the finish line alongside the roadrunner!
5.Look back (in your planner if you have one) to September 14th… what did you do that day?
I took a dear friend (my 'adopted mom') to a healer for Reiki and Shamanic Soul Retrieval, and then out to lunch. Had an FRG meeting that evening too...
Questions from last week:
1.What’s the nicest thing a stranger has ever done for you?
When I was 18yo, stationed in Germany I went to a concert in Frankfurt with friends. We'd taken the train, 6 of us on two different group tickets based on when we had to return for duty. I was on the ticket going back the same night because we had to be on duty early in the morning. We'd bought our concert tickets separately, and were separate in the concert hall, so we were going to meet at the train station. I could not find the right track, and missed the train. In 1987, there were no German banks (that I knew of) that accepted American ATM cards, I had no extra cash (spent it in the concert), and no credit cards. I sat outside the train station crying, scared to death.
Some homeless people asked what was wrong and I explained, in broken, blubbering German, my dilemma. These wonderful people gathered together all their coins so that I could use a German pay phone to call my unit and get help. Talk about paying it forward!!
2.If you are having a hard time going to sleep, what do you do to help yourself?
I use sublingual melatonin and my IPOD full of meditations!
3.Name something that makes you wish you were a kid again.
Sandra Bullock said in the movie Hope Floats that "Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome." I never look back.
4.What is something you never believed until you experienced it?
Ditto with ATroopsGirl: "I never understood that unimaginable love that you can have for your child. I had wondered how it was possible to love someone immediately, at the first moment of meeting. There is nothing more amazing.
5.What can’t you say “no” to?
--too many things to list... when my niece wants something... chocolate.... a good wine... a good microbrew... rescuing animals....
just to name a few
more thought-provoking from Military SpouseBuzz-What Stresses YOU Out?
Yet again, other military spouses are giving voice to all the demons that haunt me, and this topic vote-what-stresses-you-out. The choices given include: dying, physical injury, finances, affects on children, loneliness, sexual frustration, fidelity issues, PTSD/TBI, communication, and loneliness.
Here's my original response:
None of those things are "fears" per se, for me. Dying is a possibility we all accept, which includes getting on the highway each day. Dying in combat at least has honor.
Physical injury is also a possibility we accept. Cross that bridge when we get to it.
Finances don't bother me.
I know the deployments and absences affect my boys. It's a frustration, but not a fear, because it's a fact with no resolution.
Loneliness-I have my own life separate from my marriage (involved in lots of activities and social things)
Sexual frustration-don't many of us have that even when they're home?
Fidelity issues-if he hasn't given me reason to not trust him, why would I distrust him just because he's gone?
PTSD/TBI are already a factor, that the Army is not dealing with. But they are, according to our family psychiatrist, treatable injuries-if the Army would actually treat them rather than cover them up with the bandaids of pills and counseling.
No, none of these are my overall problem. My problem is the fact that I run the show, I control the reins and make all decisions and I do independence really well. My problem is figuring out how to have him back in my everyday life once he's back from deployment-and worse than that, trying to figure out how to have him back in everday life when he's still not available daily because he's working long hours, out in the field, at a school, on 24-hr duty, or down range. How do you share the reins with someone who is still only home sporadically?
Other spouses had interesting, and just as thought-provoking responses, including Amy, who stated: "What I really find stressful about deployment is that it starts from the moment of notification, lasts through predeployment training, the deployment, and through reintegration," and Jen, who said "Communication issues, in all of their shapes and forms, are the most stressful... maybe because they are the most tangible," causing me to add another "two-cents:"
Ditto on so many things-commo is a huge factor that I hadn't thought of, I guess because I'm so accustomed to just steering clear of it to avoid further problems. But also the note above:
"about deployment is that it starts from the moment of notification, lasts through predeployment training, the deployment, and through reintegration."
That's incredibly true. I always say that he's got one foot out the door even before the orders get here, once he knows he's going. He got home one year ago from Iraq, and forget about reintegration-he's still got one foot out the door for Afghanistan coming next year, and they don't even have orders (though, I think Brigade did deploy already to set up shop). How do you focus on reintegration at all when he's always got one foot out the door (ranges, 24-hr duty, and long hours are, perhaps, just incidental to preparing for the next deployment).
When you can't focus on being a family, including ALL members, how can you be best friends? It's kind of like talking to that best friend from years gone; when you do talk, it feels comfortable, like yesterday, but, if you and that long-lost friend had to live under the same roof again after so much time apart, knowing one would be leaving again shortly, would you be as close? How do you make the best of the time you have when you don't feel like best friends anymore?
This is not all inclusive, but it's what I can do right now...
Here's my original response:
None of those things are "fears" per se, for me. Dying is a possibility we all accept, which includes getting on the highway each day. Dying in combat at least has honor.
Physical injury is also a possibility we accept. Cross that bridge when we get to it.
Finances don't bother me.
I know the deployments and absences affect my boys. It's a frustration, but not a fear, because it's a fact with no resolution.
Loneliness-I have my own life separate from my marriage (involved in lots of activities and social things)
Sexual frustration-don't many of us have that even when they're home?
Fidelity issues-if he hasn't given me reason to not trust him, why would I distrust him just because he's gone?
PTSD/TBI are already a factor, that the Army is not dealing with. But they are, according to our family psychiatrist, treatable injuries-if the Army would actually treat them rather than cover them up with the bandaids of pills and counseling.
No, none of these are my overall problem. My problem is the fact that I run the show, I control the reins and make all decisions and I do independence really well. My problem is figuring out how to have him back in my everyday life once he's back from deployment-and worse than that, trying to figure out how to have him back in everday life when he's still not available daily because he's working long hours, out in the field, at a school, on 24-hr duty, or down range. How do you share the reins with someone who is still only home sporadically?
Other spouses had interesting, and just as thought-provoking responses, including Amy, who stated: "What I really find stressful about deployment is that it starts from the moment of notification, lasts through predeployment training, the deployment, and through reintegration," and Jen, who said "Communication issues, in all of their shapes and forms, are the most stressful... maybe because they are the most tangible," causing me to add another "two-cents:"
Ditto on so many things-commo is a huge factor that I hadn't thought of, I guess because I'm so accustomed to just steering clear of it to avoid further problems. But also the note above:
"about deployment is that it starts from the moment of notification, lasts through predeployment training, the deployment, and through reintegration."
That's incredibly true. I always say that he's got one foot out the door even before the orders get here, once he knows he's going. He got home one year ago from Iraq, and forget about reintegration-he's still got one foot out the door for Afghanistan coming next year, and they don't even have orders (though, I think Brigade did deploy already to set up shop). How do you focus on reintegration at all when he's always got one foot out the door (ranges, 24-hr duty, and long hours are, perhaps, just incidental to preparing for the next deployment).
When you can't focus on being a family, including ALL members, how can you be best friends? It's kind of like talking to that best friend from years gone; when you do talk, it feels comfortable, like yesterday, but, if you and that long-lost friend had to live under the same roof again after so much time apart, knowing one would be leaving again shortly, would you be as close? How do you make the best of the time you have when you don't feel like best friends anymore?
This is not all inclusive, but it's what I can do right now...
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
my thoughts on "Coming out of the autistic parent closet" by another MilSpouse
Find ATWM's letter here: Coming out of the Autistic Parent Closet
Here is my original response:
"My son, who is 15 now, was originally diagnosed with ADHD when he was 4, but that diagnoses left too many things unexplained. Aspergers IS NOT a disease, or a syndrome, as society has labeled it, but rather a GIFT! Bill Gates is said to be Aspergers (look also to Doreen Virtue's definition of ADHD-Attention Dialed into a Higher Dimension) and it is believed that Einstein was Aspergers as well.
Jennifer, you are a doll! Life is not without its challenges, especially in a society with such rigid social norms (many of them questionable), and no doubt that moving to the beat of your own drummer is sometimes less than desireable TO OTHERS, but I've finally learned to try to help my son be WHO HE IS, but to be aware of what society (school, for example) demands of him. We all try to be who we are, yet cater and conform to social norms, like not swearing when we're at our kid's school or in a public business office).
We still have to teach him some things outright,(it wasn't until last year that we realized he was NOT hanging up on us when ending a phone call. In his mind, the call was over, so he hung up, and we had to tell him that, SILLY as it seems, OTHER people really need you to bring the call to an end-say 'goodbye' or 'see ya' because that lets them know you're going to hang up!!)
Rent the movie "Temple." It's BRILLIANTLY done, and Temple Grandin is my hero. She's totally autistic, and a PROFESSOR AT CSU FORT COLLINS, CO!! Aspergers IS NOT a disease or hinderance. It's just another way of being. And, it IS NOT good or bad. It just is."
My thoughts do not end there, however. It has taken time, sorry to say, for me to learn to see my son as a WHOLE person-not a broken person. I have learned that it is society that has the problem. Different. Not less.
Here is another blog on the issue, by Wifeunit, who has also learned that her child is on the autistic spectrum:
Moving-forward
Here is my original two-cents on that, which I hope better explains my evolving position on the autistic spectrum:
Wifeunit and others, first and foremost, I'm going to INSIST that we CHANGE THE LABEL from SYNDROME to GIFT.
Tell a different story. The world needs autistics (check out my personal hero, who, while still alive, has a movie in her honor: Temple Grandin; also, Bill Gates, Einstein, Mozart, Isaac Newton, Stanley Kubrick, Daryl Hannah, and a wonderful boy named Luke Jackson, an aspy who wrote a book at 13years telling how he experiences the world-"Freeks, Geeks, and Asperger Syndrome").
See your children as whole persons, able to contribute and live full lives. We all struggle with life-not only stresses and problems, but add to that depression, medical problems, and, for many in our crowd, families are struggling with PTSD and TBI. Autistics and Aspys can be as resilient and thrive as much as any one else. I'm finally seeing my son as the gifted whole person he is, after 15 years. The only reason society labeled it as a 'syndrome' is because we decided we had norms and expectations in society. But autistics and apsys move to the beat of THEIR OWN DRUMMER. Isn't that a good thing? We have had many speed bumps and hurdles over the years to get over, but I have realized I only contributed to the 'label' which has a negative connotation. But when you see how gifted these children can be if we just SUPPORT them rather than tell them that they're broken, they can truly do great things.
My point is, rather than just reading all the books and websites and being an 'advocate' for my son, who lacks confidence now as a teen because he knows he's different, and these labels told him all these years that he's somehow broken, I have to BELIEVE in him and SEE HIM AS A WHOLE, UNBROKEN person.
Don't we all change our behaviors some depending on what setting we are in (like not cursing around toddlers or the boss, or making a scene in the grocery store)? Well, these children must learn the same thing-tell your children that even though it seems silly to have to "say goodbye" before hanging up the phone, for example, just explain that "other people" need them to do that. A huge part of difficulties are in the social realm, and WE AS A SOCIETY have determined what is acceptable/expected and what is unacceptable, and we conform, whether we want to or not. Our children can learn to "help others" by conforming to some of these things -then validate them by acknowledging that "sure, it seems strange, but it's what the store manager or restaurant manager needs from us." The problem is ours as a society-not theirs, but we've made it their problem and told them they're to blame because they're different.
Different isn't bad. Different is not less. See them as whole, not broken, and whole, unbroken people have to contend with life, just as well as those of us suffering depression or PTSD (both diagnoses that indicate some level of 'broken').
I would say that I've been grateful for our military life, since structure is good for people on the autistic spectrum, and our household is fairy structured. I will say that my 15yo does struggle now, since mom is not the one he needs so much, and dad is gone a lot (not deployed, but still not at home, and facing yet another deployment). And the entire household deals with Sapper's PTSD. You bet, we all experience it when dad can't handle a slamming door, a barking dog, or the startle of an engine backfire.
Never the less, I do think our family not only has, as a military family, had access to all the resources necessary for success (good school district, psychiatrists, psychologists, and others such as PT/OT) but we've never paid one penny for services. If we don't care for one doctor, we can try another. We paid a copay for one of his medicines that was not available at the Army pharmacy, but that's it.
Sometimes I look at our house, and I feel guilty and wish I could do things better for my kids, but then I look at other families, even those without "labels" and realize, we are good. We are thriving. We are resilient-yes, even my Asperger's son.
I want a group to brainstorm how we can help our kids on the spectrum to be confident, to learn to navigate society confidently, yet still be confident in WHO they are, and to still know they are WHOLE and valuable people. We have to prepare high-functioning kids for the real world, but, since kids are the future, who are we to try to dictate what their norms will be, especially since more and more people are being "labeled" as being on the spectrum. Seems to be more the norm than not, which makes the rest of us the minority! Maybe WE'RE broken if we're NOT on the spectrum.
I want to tell my son,
"yes, our society requires you to make grades and to behave certain ways (like sitting still). BUT, we all know that letter/number grades are only PART of the picture-only one measure of what a student is learning. In school, you must sit at your desk, but if your brain works better on math with your but against a wall and your legs going up the wall, then at home, that's what you do. Because home is sanctuary.
And we will help you succeed, even if your letter grades (which is one way society measures you) are not what society thinks you should have. Aspergers is not a disability, and not a crutch. "
Finding the label can be a relief, as it gives us a 'label' for the issues that have troubled us or our kids. It also opens the door to support, treatment, and community. The problem is not having a label. The problem is that we've given the label a negative connotation, and it's time to CHANGE how the world views the autistic spectrum, and those who move to the beat of their own drummer.
We don't have to do anything at all about Asperger’s or the AS. They are unique, often successful individuals who are simply … themselves!
http://www.autismtoday.com/articles/Genius_May_Be_Abnormality.htm
Excerpts from:
http://www.yourlittleprofessor.com/benefits.html
"Diane Kennedy, an author and advocate for Asperger Syndrome, writes, "They are our visionaries, scientists, diplomats, inventors, chefs, artists, writers and musicians. They are the original thinkers and a driving force in our culture.""
"Likewise, Dr. Temple Grandin, an adult with autism who became a successful engineer, academic and speaker, believes that her disorder is an asset. She once famously called NASA a sheltered workshop for people with autism and Asperger Syndrome. She believes that people with autistic spectrum disorders are the great innovators, and "if the world was left to you socialites, nothing would get done and we would still be in caves talking to each other.""
"People with very high IQs often question the status quo, resist direction, have long attention spans, undergo periods of intense work and effort, and like to organize things even as children. Other people often perceive them as "different." All this is the same with those who have Asperger Syndrome."
"Lovecky notes how Aspies often have advanced vocabularies, recognize patterns others do not, and pursue ideas despite evidence to the contrary because they are not easily swayed by others' opinions. Their ability to focus on details and their inability to see the big picture means they can often come up with solutions to problems others overlook. Aspies are often willing to spend long hours in laboratories and in front of computer screens because they do not mind being alone. All this enables them to make tremendous contributions at work and school. Author Patricia Bashe points out that people often admire those who can work independently. She writes, "Our society celebrates the individual who does what he thinks is right and goes his own way.""
Here is my original response:
"My son, who is 15 now, was originally diagnosed with ADHD when he was 4, but that diagnoses left too many things unexplained. Aspergers IS NOT a disease, or a syndrome, as society has labeled it, but rather a GIFT! Bill Gates is said to be Aspergers (look also to Doreen Virtue's definition of ADHD-Attention Dialed into a Higher Dimension) and it is believed that Einstein was Aspergers as well.
Jennifer, you are a doll! Life is not without its challenges, especially in a society with such rigid social norms (many of them questionable), and no doubt that moving to the beat of your own drummer is sometimes less than desireable TO OTHERS, but I've finally learned to try to help my son be WHO HE IS, but to be aware of what society (school, for example) demands of him. We all try to be who we are, yet cater and conform to social norms, like not swearing when we're at our kid's school or in a public business office).
We still have to teach him some things outright,(it wasn't until last year that we realized he was NOT hanging up on us when ending a phone call. In his mind, the call was over, so he hung up, and we had to tell him that, SILLY as it seems, OTHER people really need you to bring the call to an end-say 'goodbye' or 'see ya' because that lets them know you're going to hang up!!)
Rent the movie "Temple." It's BRILLIANTLY done, and Temple Grandin is my hero. She's totally autistic, and a PROFESSOR AT CSU FORT COLLINS, CO!! Aspergers IS NOT a disease or hinderance. It's just another way of being. And, it IS NOT good or bad. It just is."
My thoughts do not end there, however. It has taken time, sorry to say, for me to learn to see my son as a WHOLE person-not a broken person. I have learned that it is society that has the problem. Different. Not less.
Here is another blog on the issue, by Wifeunit, who has also learned that her child is on the autistic spectrum:
Moving-forward
Here is my original two-cents on that, which I hope better explains my evolving position on the autistic spectrum:
Wifeunit and others, first and foremost, I'm going to INSIST that we CHANGE THE LABEL from SYNDROME to GIFT.
Tell a different story. The world needs autistics (check out my personal hero, who, while still alive, has a movie in her honor: Temple Grandin; also, Bill Gates, Einstein, Mozart, Isaac Newton, Stanley Kubrick, Daryl Hannah, and a wonderful boy named Luke Jackson, an aspy who wrote a book at 13years telling how he experiences the world-"Freeks, Geeks, and Asperger Syndrome").
See your children as whole persons, able to contribute and live full lives. We all struggle with life-not only stresses and problems, but add to that depression, medical problems, and, for many in our crowd, families are struggling with PTSD and TBI. Autistics and Aspys can be as resilient and thrive as much as any one else. I'm finally seeing my son as the gifted whole person he is, after 15 years. The only reason society labeled it as a 'syndrome' is because we decided we had norms and expectations in society. But autistics and apsys move to the beat of THEIR OWN DRUMMER. Isn't that a good thing? We have had many speed bumps and hurdles over the years to get over, but I have realized I only contributed to the 'label' which has a negative connotation. But when you see how gifted these children can be if we just SUPPORT them rather than tell them that they're broken, they can truly do great things.
My point is, rather than just reading all the books and websites and being an 'advocate' for my son, who lacks confidence now as a teen because he knows he's different, and these labels told him all these years that he's somehow broken, I have to BELIEVE in him and SEE HIM AS A WHOLE, UNBROKEN person.
Don't we all change our behaviors some depending on what setting we are in (like not cursing around toddlers or the boss, or making a scene in the grocery store)? Well, these children must learn the same thing-tell your children that even though it seems silly to have to "say goodbye" before hanging up the phone, for example, just explain that "other people" need them to do that. A huge part of difficulties are in the social realm, and WE AS A SOCIETY have determined what is acceptable/expected and what is unacceptable, and we conform, whether we want to or not. Our children can learn to "help others" by conforming to some of these things -then validate them by acknowledging that "sure, it seems strange, but it's what the store manager or restaurant manager needs from us." The problem is ours as a society-not theirs, but we've made it their problem and told them they're to blame because they're different.
Different isn't bad. Different is not less. See them as whole, not broken, and whole, unbroken people have to contend with life, just as well as those of us suffering depression or PTSD (both diagnoses that indicate some level of 'broken').
I would say that I've been grateful for our military life, since structure is good for people on the autistic spectrum, and our household is fairy structured. I will say that my 15yo does struggle now, since mom is not the one he needs so much, and dad is gone a lot (not deployed, but still not at home, and facing yet another deployment). And the entire household deals with Sapper's PTSD. You bet, we all experience it when dad can't handle a slamming door, a barking dog, or the startle of an engine backfire.
Never the less, I do think our family not only has, as a military family, had access to all the resources necessary for success (good school district, psychiatrists, psychologists, and others such as PT/OT) but we've never paid one penny for services. If we don't care for one doctor, we can try another. We paid a copay for one of his medicines that was not available at the Army pharmacy, but that's it.
Sometimes I look at our house, and I feel guilty and wish I could do things better for my kids, but then I look at other families, even those without "labels" and realize, we are good. We are thriving. We are resilient-yes, even my Asperger's son.
I want a group to brainstorm how we can help our kids on the spectrum to be confident, to learn to navigate society confidently, yet still be confident in WHO they are, and to still know they are WHOLE and valuable people. We have to prepare high-functioning kids for the real world, but, since kids are the future, who are we to try to dictate what their norms will be, especially since more and more people are being "labeled" as being on the spectrum. Seems to be more the norm than not, which makes the rest of us the minority! Maybe WE'RE broken if we're NOT on the spectrum.
I want to tell my son,
"yes, our society requires you to make grades and to behave certain ways (like sitting still). BUT, we all know that letter/number grades are only PART of the picture-only one measure of what a student is learning. In school, you must sit at your desk, but if your brain works better on math with your but against a wall and your legs going up the wall, then at home, that's what you do. Because home is sanctuary.
And we will help you succeed, even if your letter grades (which is one way society measures you) are not what society thinks you should have. Aspergers is not a disability, and not a crutch. "
Finding the label can be a relief, as it gives us a 'label' for the issues that have troubled us or our kids. It also opens the door to support, treatment, and community. The problem is not having a label. The problem is that we've given the label a negative connotation, and it's time to CHANGE how the world views the autistic spectrum, and those who move to the beat of their own drummer.
We don't have to do anything at all about Asperger’s or the AS. They are unique, often successful individuals who are simply … themselves!
http://www.autismtoday.com/articles/Genius_May_Be_Abnormality.htm
Excerpts from:
http://www.yourlittleprofessor.com/benefits.html
"Diane Kennedy, an author and advocate for Asperger Syndrome, writes, "They are our visionaries, scientists, diplomats, inventors, chefs, artists, writers and musicians. They are the original thinkers and a driving force in our culture.""
"Likewise, Dr. Temple Grandin, an adult with autism who became a successful engineer, academic and speaker, believes that her disorder is an asset. She once famously called NASA a sheltered workshop for people with autism and Asperger Syndrome. She believes that people with autistic spectrum disorders are the great innovators, and "if the world was left to you socialites, nothing would get done and we would still be in caves talking to each other.""
"People with very high IQs often question the status quo, resist direction, have long attention spans, undergo periods of intense work and effort, and like to organize things even as children. Other people often perceive them as "different." All this is the same with those who have Asperger Syndrome."
"Lovecky notes how Aspies often have advanced vocabularies, recognize patterns others do not, and pursue ideas despite evidence to the contrary because they are not easily swayed by others' opinions. Their ability to focus on details and their inability to see the big picture means they can often come up with solutions to problems others overlook. Aspies are often willing to spend long hours in laboratories and in front of computer screens because they do not mind being alone. All this enables them to make tremendous contributions at work and school. Author Patricia Bashe points out that people often admire those who can work independently. She writes, "Our society celebrates the individual who does what he thinks is right and goes his own way.""
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Military Wives as Surrogates: "Controversial"
It's been a process of contemplating, and following the input of others on this issue, http://www.spousebuzz.com/blog/2010/10/military-wives-as-surrogates-controversial.html and initially, I had the position that I, as a military dependent, am entitled to care regardless of how I become pregnant (Note: I have no desire to be pregnant again). It's been an enlightening discussion, which actually changed my point of view, and I changed my position some from my original post on SpouseBuzz. What is changed is underlined:
I've meandered thru the posts following my previous post, and it is an enlightening discussion. I think I agree with Vic and Art the most, having presented more facets that I had not considered. Being an Army spouse as well as a retired veteran, I try to look at things from different angles, but lack the "business" background so I miss things.
I do agree that "There are many good thoughts on here that do make me think."
I do want to point out that when I brought up the issue of "being raped," which I don't believe is out of perspective simply because I wanted to point out that as a dependent, I am entitled to care regardless of how I become pregnant. I can see, however, how that seems irrelevent, given the "victim status" a rape victim has versus the "business" status that a surrogate has.
I also agree that people come into the military for the benefits, and that this has always been a draw for the military.
The point that makes sense to me though, now that I see it, is that if there is money involved then it appears to be fraudulent. "Becasue not only is it a free service to the dependent, but they are also getting paid for their "services." That makes direct, obvious sense. This is a business venture.
In this light, the "sponsor" of the surrogate, I think, should pay the bill for the services rendered as they would in a civilian hospital with a fee to the surrogate.
Sarah points out that when we dependents are seen in a military hospital, we are asked if we have other insurance, if it is related to workers comp or a car accident, etc., so Tricare can bill the third party, which is usually an insurance plan.
I agree with Steve that it is a for-profit venture; I have decided, however that re-imbursement is NOT the rule, or that the "buyer" in this case, the couple hiring the surrogate, should pay up front, or be billed directly, for the following reason: If DOD hospitals were for-profit entities, I would say that the ability to bill third parties to recoup the debt on surrogates would justify accepting surrogate patients, but since DOD hospitals ARE NOT for-profit entities, then, logic tells me this is reason alone why surrogate pregnancies should not be handled in DOD hospitals. Since there are some dependents who do not get their care in DOD hospitals, however, this does not apply. In this case, the non-DOD hospitals, should not even bill Tricare. They should bill only the couple hiring the surrogate, and/or their third-party insurer.
Perhaps DOD hospitals should have pregnant spouses fill out and sign forms stating that "yes, they are being paid for this child birth" or "no, they are not being paid for this child birth." People are less likely to lie directly, in writing, knowing there can be direct repercussions from lieing.
Art, you are an educated doll (are we allowed to say that to men?). I had a hard time not responding to Rhonda's obvious hostility and lack of education. You are a gem. Were you an Elder in another life? ;-)
Rhonda stated "Military people don't pay taxes because they produce nothing to tax. They are just required to give back some of the money the government gave them."
This is hostile and irrational on many levels, and I think Art addressed it nicely, describing (over and above the ideas of PROTECTING THIS COUNTRY AND RESPONDING TO DISASTERS) many ways the military produces a "product" and gives back to society. He gave examples such as "the military creates wealth in the example of the US Navy simply by keeping the sea lanes open so energy resources, food commodities and goods in general can flow freely without fear of WW II type disruption," as well as other more business-related contributions to society, such as the Air Force collaboration with NASA years ago, and the fact that the Internet (yes, this invisible cyberworld that many of us now can't live without) was originally created by the military. I would add also that the military, in one form or another, contributes. We all spend our tax-payer-originated-but-hard-earned-money in the community, living, existing, contributing to the economy. Reserve component members contribute heavily these days, not just deploying with active duty troups, but also responding to disasters such as Hurricane Katrina and earthquakes here at home. Who does the govenor call when he/she needs response to local rioting? The National Guard. Enough on that issue.
5kidsmom pointed out the correlation "to any other medical condition that was job-related - also covered by Tricare." I think this is a huge point, but it is also correct that if your condition/injury is work-related (in this case, for-profit contract-related), the third party, being Workers Comp (or in this case, the party hiring the surrogate) should rightfully bear the costs.
5kidsmom also points other other, separate, but ethical issues:
-the targetting of military wives during deployments - no chance of being impregnated by her husband if he's away. Ouch.
-I also don't oppose surrogacy, I also oppose the taking advantage of military spouses for a profit. But I think there's more to it than just that. Milspouses are taking advantage of some things too. That's a personal issue, I think.
-the clogging of OB/GYN clinics-taking up appointments for surrogates, leaving others "floundering for appropriate care" in other clinics." I think we've all experienced this at some time, and in many specialty clinics.
I've meandered thru the posts following my previous post, and it is an enlightening discussion. I think I agree with Vic and Art the most, having presented more facets that I had not considered. Being an Army spouse as well as a retired veteran, I try to look at things from different angles, but lack the "business" background so I miss things.
I do agree that "There are many good thoughts on here that do make me think."
I do want to point out that when I brought up the issue of "being raped," which I don't believe is out of perspective simply because I wanted to point out that as a dependent, I am entitled to care regardless of how I become pregnant. I can see, however, how that seems irrelevent, given the "victim status" a rape victim has versus the "business" status that a surrogate has.
I also agree that people come into the military for the benefits, and that this has always been a draw for the military.
The point that makes sense to me though, now that I see it, is that if there is money involved then it appears to be fraudulent. "Becasue not only is it a free service to the dependent, but they are also getting paid for their "services." That makes direct, obvious sense. This is a business venture.
In this light, the "sponsor" of the surrogate, I think, should pay the bill for the services rendered as they would in a civilian hospital with a fee to the surrogate.
Sarah points out that when we dependents are seen in a military hospital, we are asked if we have other insurance, if it is related to workers comp or a car accident, etc., so Tricare can bill the third party, which is usually an insurance plan.
I agree with Steve that it is a for-profit venture; I have decided, however that re-imbursement is NOT the rule, or that the "buyer" in this case, the couple hiring the surrogate, should pay up front, or be billed directly, for the following reason: If DOD hospitals were for-profit entities, I would say that the ability to bill third parties to recoup the debt on surrogates would justify accepting surrogate patients, but since DOD hospitals ARE NOT for-profit entities, then, logic tells me this is reason alone why surrogate pregnancies should not be handled in DOD hospitals. Since there are some dependents who do not get their care in DOD hospitals, however, this does not apply. In this case, the non-DOD hospitals, should not even bill Tricare. They should bill only the couple hiring the surrogate, and/or their third-party insurer.
Perhaps DOD hospitals should have pregnant spouses fill out and sign forms stating that "yes, they are being paid for this child birth" or "no, they are not being paid for this child birth." People are less likely to lie directly, in writing, knowing there can be direct repercussions from lieing.
Art, you are an educated doll (are we allowed to say that to men?). I had a hard time not responding to Rhonda's obvious hostility and lack of education. You are a gem. Were you an Elder in another life? ;-)
Rhonda stated "Military people don't pay taxes because they produce nothing to tax. They are just required to give back some of the money the government gave them."
This is hostile and irrational on many levels, and I think Art addressed it nicely, describing (over and above the ideas of PROTECTING THIS COUNTRY AND RESPONDING TO DISASTERS) many ways the military produces a "product" and gives back to society. He gave examples such as "the military creates wealth in the example of the US Navy simply by keeping the sea lanes open so energy resources, food commodities and goods in general can flow freely without fear of WW II type disruption," as well as other more business-related contributions to society, such as the Air Force collaboration with NASA years ago, and the fact that the Internet (yes, this invisible cyberworld that many of us now can't live without) was originally created by the military. I would add also that the military, in one form or another, contributes. We all spend our tax-payer-originated-but-hard-earned-money in the community, living, existing, contributing to the economy. Reserve component members contribute heavily these days, not just deploying with active duty troups, but also responding to disasters such as Hurricane Katrina and earthquakes here at home. Who does the govenor call when he/she needs response to local rioting? The National Guard. Enough on that issue.
5kidsmom pointed out the correlation "to any other medical condition that was job-related - also covered by Tricare." I think this is a huge point, but it is also correct that if your condition/injury is work-related (in this case, for-profit contract-related), the third party, being Workers Comp (or in this case, the party hiring the surrogate) should rightfully bear the costs.
5kidsmom also points other other, separate, but ethical issues:
-the targetting of military wives during deployments - no chance of being impregnated by her husband if he's away. Ouch.
-I also don't oppose surrogacy, I also oppose the taking advantage of military spouses for a profit. But I think there's more to it than just that. Milspouses are taking advantage of some things too. That's a personal issue, I think.
-the clogging of OB/GYN clinics-taking up appointments for surrogates, leaving others "floundering for appropriate care" in other clinics." I think we've all experienced this at some time, and in many specialty clinics.
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