Some time in 2017, I think...
I can't even recall how or when I found The Mighty, but the emails with articles and essays open my eyes and serve me better than the counselor. I started bullet journalling about a month ago and feel more "present" now that I have in years-as in, I don't forget to take my meds in the morning.... but I still try to figure out other issues and the future and wonder if there is a future that can include a career... will my mind operate correctly so I can do a job? Will I be able to handle it if something happens and not fall apart in the work place? Why am I still content to stay home rather than attend social events with my wonderful group? Why do I feel so invisible in my wonderful group or anywhere? Everyone welcomed me to a city meeting last week after not attending or participating for years, but I sat there wondering quietly if they’re all hoping I don’t say anything or try to get involved. Can I get involved in something small, and succeed or will I lose my shit again the first time something happens? How many times must my kids and pets suffer because I can't function? While I feel calm and ok at home, I have discovered that the anxiety bear reveals its teeth sometimes when I'm away from home-like, what if it hails again and my car is totaled again? It's easier to just stay home, especially when the weather looks iffy. How would I deal with this if I'm in a situation where I can't go or stay home? Staying home is so much more calm and comfortable... I look back in proverbial “retrospect” at times in workplaces, home, and in other situations and I can see depression, anxiety, and whatever else in action due to my actions/reactions/over-reactions… while my home life was not conducive to mental “health,” per se, I recall thinking prior to those years that I was doing well-that I was resilient compared to others in my family who had succumbed to depression, and even suicide. I’d thought I was going to be ok. And “OK” was good. I was grateful for “OK.” I’d be grateful for OK again if I knew confidently that I would be OK going forward. We all have to go on living. But how do we go on if we don’t know that we will be ok, that we will not lose our shit when something in our world falls apart? Again. And Again. I recall something about life being the journey and not about the destination, and that is true. But during the journey, being able to not lose your shit would be helpful.
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